A Real Family Vacation

My in-laws celebrated their 50th anniversary this Fall. My father-in-law dislikes big parties and opulent festivities. My mother-in-law is quite the opposite. So they agreed on celebrating exceptionally but just family, at their favorite vacation spot. My in-laws go to Hawaii each year, about ten days strategically scheduled in November to get a break from the Vancouver rain. 

Hawaii, tropical beach with guaranteed sunshine, sounds probably amazing to 99% of humanity. Except for me. The thought of going on a vacation where we do nothing but sit at the pool or beach didn’t sound appealing to me at all. Doing something useful is pre-programmed in my brain, and although I enjoy snorkeling and reading a book for four hours or maybe even two days, I wasn’t sure how to do this for seven days straight. But mostly, I dreaded figuring out how to keep a 1-year-old, a 9-year-old, and an 11-year-old with disabilities happy at the same time. Our 9-year-old was the least of my concern - he would likely play in the pool or at the beach most of the day with the cousins (this turned out to be a very accurate prediction). Our 20-month-old would likely be happy in the pool or at the beach as well, but she would require supervision every second she was awake, and she was unlikely to adjust easily to the time difference. I envisioned waking up every day at 3am with a toddler who was ready to jump, bounce, and run. I was also concerned about our 11-year-old, who has cerebral palsy, does not swim, and has a hard time keeping up with his brother and cousins.

We made a big decision. We kept our littlest one home - she would stay with a family who she loves, and who adores her. It was a painful decision, but, as a friend worded well, it was what was best for the family unit. Without our bouncy toddler, we would get plenty of sleep, and have tons of energy and patience for the boys.

It turned out we needed that sleep, attention, and patience more than I ever envisioned before our departure. I am not going to write that we had a wonderful vacation. I look back at it with a content and warm feeling, and we did have many highlights. But the reason that I am flying back feeling fulfilled is mostly due to the very deep downs that we had, and the way that brought my husband and me closer together.

On our first full day on Maui, we had a typical beach and pool day. The kids had lots of fun in the waves and a turtle came to say hi. That is, if I had not been freaked out by the large shadow that was about to touch my husband, and if I had not shrieked so hard that everyone in a radius of 50m left the ocean and fled on to the beach. Luckily enough for us, the turtle came again two days later, and we followed it hundreds of meters wearing our snorkels, at a proper distance. Highlight #1 - We got to see a turtle from up close.

On Saturday, I took my son for a hike in the afternoon. We combined it with a visit to the bookstore, because he had finished his book on the flight here. We picked out a few books, hiked a challenging 6k climb in the scorching hot sun (but the views were amazing) and then found out that the rental car wouldn’t start anymore. No biggie. Roadside services arranged an Uber from the trailhead to the rental car hub at the airport where we would get a new car. I looked at my kid who was just chilling in the back of the car with a game. He seemed unfazed by it all. As I had slept 8.5 hours, I focused on the rewarding conversations I had with our Uber driver and the people behind us in the lineup at the car rental desk, as well as the amazing patience of my kid. Highlight #2 - great outing with my son.

My husband’s day had been less fun. He would have loved to go on the hike, but the reality is that my stepson would have been unable to join. I asked him how I could make the next day better for him and offered to take the boys to the mall to give him some time to himself. That break was sorely needed, as on Sunday we went for lunch with the family (six adults and five kids between 9 and 13). It was largely pleasant, but because of our oldest’s fear of birds, it ended somewhat abruptly as a flock of little sparrows roamed freely on the patio. Lowlight #1 - meltdown in a restaurant.

Time for a new day. My 9yo and I had been talking about a spectacular hike on Haleakala, the volcano on Maui. It is an 18km (11 miles) hike that first descends into the crater, then meanders for several kilometers through a moon-like landscape, to end with a climb of about 645m (2000 ft) back up at the other end of the crater. When I looked up the details again, it seemed a bit ambitious. But my 9yo had set his mind on it, and so my husband, my 9yo and I went. We walked and walked and walked. The 9yo did not complain. We took a few short breaks and finished the whole thing in 5 hours. Back in the car we were on a high, and in a kind of bantering mood that you only get when you are part of a fun but challenging day together. Highlight #3 - Completed an amazing hike together.

Unfortunately, back at the resort, it had been a long day for our 11yo. He had spent the day with his nana, aunt, uncle and cousins. They had visited the top of the volcano, gone out for lunch, and then gotten stuck in traffic. He was in the hot tub with his cousins when we came back home. He was tired, and understandably upset that he did not have the same experience as his little brother. The meltdown was inevitable, and big.

On Wednesday, my father-in-law generously offered to watch all five kids so that we could take my mother-in-law to a nice restaurant. The restaurant was lovely, the conversations great, and the food tasty. Back at the resort, things were less great. When we got home, poppa left to wash himself off after cleaning up our oldest son’s bathroom accident.

The despair at that point was real. Whatever help our family generously offered, however high the high we had, we would get back home and it would smack us in the face, dropping us into a deep low. We clearly had not been doing this right. We had tried to find low-key activities for our 11yo and keep the day simple while at the same time also doing outings with our 9yo. But the difference in those activities would always be painfully visible and then backfire. My husband and I laid awake for hours that night. We are both very much used to fixing problems. But we were at a loss for a solution here. It seemed impossible to make both kids happy.

We needed a different approach. A vacation setup that was more suitable for our oldest, in a familiar environment with a routine schedule every day. The next few days we kept it simple. We stuck to the routine that we had intended to follow on the previous days, but that the outings had pushed out of wack. We went to the pool and the beach after breakfast. Then lunch at home and some quiet time on the couch. In the afternoon there was more pool and beach time. Everyone was happy with those two uncomplicated days.

The biggest win was that my husband and I talked and shared. We talked about the things that went wrong or how shitty parts of the day had been. We shared feeling hopeless and we shared feeling angry at times. It sounds all not very helpful, but in the moment, it was very powerful to realize that we both have those feelings, and most of all, that we are in this together.