Surviving Toddler Shittyness

This morning, I walked to the petting farm in our neighborhood with my 1.5yo. It was a beautiful fall day, 9 degrees and sunny. When we got there at 9:30am, it turned out that the Fall opening hours had started. The farm wouldn’t open until 10am. I maneuvered the stroller to the playground adjacent to the farm where my little started roaming around happily.

Soon more people unaware of the new opening hours started to trickle in. Two ladies and a 2.5yo boy in a stroller pulled up near the swings. The boy screamed, the mother sighed. It was clear from her tone that her morning had been challenging thus far, and her patience was running thin. Although I judged her tone (hey, it is hard not to judge) I sympathized with her as for all I knew, she was running on 4 hours of sleep and had been dealing with a grumpy child since 4:30am.

We started chatting while pushing our kids in the swings. Her patience wasn’t just running thin, she seemed very impatient with raising a toddler in general. In fact, she admitted that she couldn’t wait for her son’s teenage years. Everything was a burden to her. The early wake ups, the bedtime struggle, no time to yourself, no fun organized activities in the community for toddlers, the whining (I wonder where he got that from), heck, even the dew on the swing was a problem.

Although I think it is very healthy to openly admit that you are not enjoying a certain child-raising phase, you still need to find a way to get through it. I can’t say that I’m enjoying having to get out of my bed at 2am in the morning, or starting the day at 6am while it’s rainy and wet out. Let alone the tantrums triggered by absurd things (like not being allowed to eat crayons). Or the constant attention to prevent coloring on the furniture, dispensing all the soap on the floor, or fishing in the toilet. I’m not sure if there exists a parent that enjoys this stuff. Acknowledging that this part of parenting is pretty shitty, is great. I talk and laugh about the shittyness with my mom friends. But this stuff is part of it, it’s going to be here for a while, so you better find a way to live with it.

Fifteen minutes later, it was getting insanely busy at the playground with parents and toddlers who all were waiting for the farm to open. I navigated my 1.5yo out of the fence onto the nearby forest trail. After a short stroll, we could see the “moo-moo’s”. She gave the cows more attention than she ever had when we watched them from within the farm’s fences. After spending a few minutes with the cows, we slowly made our way back to the farm. Meanwhile, the farm had opened its gates and people were leaving the playground. My little one insisted on going back to the playground, which looked like a great plan to me. No lineups, and no crying children or complaining parents anywhere around. I looked at my watch and decided to skip the farm altogether. She had woken up an hour earlier than usual and the last thing I needed was her falling asleep in the stroller and not getting two hours to myself.

On the way back, I contemplated how I dealt with the shittyness. Part of it was having a partner to share the load with or arranging help from others (such as grandparents or sitters) so that you get a few hours to yourself now and then. Part of it was exercise. If I can get a run or swim in in the morning, I can deal with whatever comes my way the rest of the day. Part of it was having friends to vent about the insanity of toddlers. And part of it is attitude. There is a ton of research that shows that your outlook can make or break your happiness and well-being. People who acknowledge the bad, but then shift their focus to the good, fare much better than people who only get stuck on the bad. Being optimistic helps, and so does resilience. Resilience means that you keep going, even when things go wrong. You focus on your goal so that you eventually get there. This goal could vary from anything long-term (e.g., raising a happy and confident kid) to small daily goals (e.g., spending time together with your kid, or connecting with friends). Sometimes you need to remind yourself of why you are doing this. It also helps to realize that it is a phase that will pass.

My goal of the day was to have fun with my kid, but also to get some time to myself. Back at home, it turned out that I almost had missed that last goal. At snack time, the little one rested her head on her highchair tray. She was not going to have a snack, that was clear. While cleaning up and heating up a bottle, she tried to sleep on the armchair, the floor, and the couch. Time to scoop her up and throw her in bed. “Bye bye” she said when I closed the door. She was out in a minute. It certainly looks promising that I’ll meet both goals today.