When a Workaholic Takes a Vacation

When I’m at my parents’ the days follow the same routine. It is predictable, perhaps boring at times, but it offers a strange form of comfort. It was around 10:30 in the morning. My son and I had just finished another game of soccer. The church bell sounded once, announcing the half hour. My son, growing up in Canada, didn’t understand why the bells were ringing. Every half hour once, every hour the number of times of the hour, and for a few minutes at 8:45am (time for prayers) and then again for a couple of minutes at 6pm. I doubted that many people were still praying at 8:45am and again at 6am. With a minor change in schedule, the bells would likely be much more useful to mark the start of school and that it was time to go home for dinner.

As it was 10:30am, I asked my parents if they would like coffee. Between 10am and 11am, coffee and a cookie are on the schedule. Sitting down with coffee and stroopwafels, my dad told me that my presentation on workaholism had really made him think. In my presentation, I had addressed the health implications of working long hours versus having a compulsive work mentality. My dad mentioned that he likely fell into the category of workaholics. Workaholics work excessively (more than financially necessary or socially expected) and compulsively (having an inner drive to work and prioritize work). However, my dad objected, he had always loved his job. He retired a few years ago after a successful career as a personal injury lawyer. I had worked for a few years as a secretary during Summer vacations. I could tell firsthand that he had loved his job.

Many workaholics love their job, but research shows that the impact on their health is still not very favorable (Ten Brummelhuis et al., 2017). I had bluntly summarized the findings of this study during my talk - loving your job while obsessing over your work might not kill you, but it can lead to a variety of undesirable symptoms such as sleep problems, recurring sinus infections, headaches, and pain on the chest. That is because, whether you love your job or not, everyone needs to recover at some point. If you don’t give your body the rest it needs, it will shut down in one way or another. Your body will let you know.

My dad said he had never experienced his body shutting down. I challenged him that he might never have been a true workaholic. Maybe he worked a lot, and he clearly loved his job. I’m less certain about an obsession or inner compulsive drive that made him work so much. Moreover, he spent lots of time on recovery activities after work, such as speed skating, and biking.

My dad retorted that he would almost be bummed out having to go on vacation (apparently that is a hereditary trait). We camped for three weeks in France each Summer. To leave work for three weeks, he needed to get every case organized in such a way that his colleagues could easily step in. After ploughing through his many cases, he would finally feel that he had all his duck in a row. Feeling caught up is an incredible motivator to continue work and for once be ahead of the game. Yet, at home, four kids and a wife were waiting for my dad to put all the bags my mom had diligently packed, with perfect precision in the back of our Volvo.

You would think my dad would be grumpy on vacation, at a minimum for the first couple of days. Yet, I don’t recall my dad being grumpy much, if at all. Instead, he always had energy to do many activities such as windsurfing and biking. I recall following my dad on my road bike on small and steep roads, going through various quaint and very small French villages, questioning if we would ever reach the campsite again. Instead, we biked through yet another village where a bunch of older men play jeu-de-boules in the shade, sipping their pastis.

Based on my own memories, it seems that my dad was an expert in shutting off work. He would go on that vacation, because he promised, and he would be present and enjoy it. Similarly, every Tuesday and some Thursdays, he would come home from work, have a quick dinner, to then take my sister and me to the ice rink for speed skating practice. Meanwhile, my dad skated as many laps as possible in an hour. I would come home late and exhausted, climbing into bed immediately, but my dad would open his dossiers and prepare a case until 1:00 in the morning.

How did my dad do this? Where did he find the energy? Part of it was that my dad did all the things he loved. He loved his work, he loved ice skating, and it was a bonus he could practice his favorite sport with us. The other part was my mom. On top of her job as a high school teacher, my mom cooked, bought groceries, prepared our lunches until we could do it ourselves. In the evening, my mom stayed home with my other sister so that my dad could take us to the ice rink. My mom basically kept the family and household running. It wasn’t that my mom never did anything for herself. She would go for a Sunday morning run with her friend. But the family came first. Once the kids and her husband were happy, she considered if there was anything left that could make her happy.

This pattern - the husband plans activities and then sees how family fits in, whereas the wife takes care of the family and then checks if there is any time left for her - is familiar to many of my friends. We sighed and laughed in recognition when one of my friends shared that her husband suggested to visit a friend in Germany. He thought it would be ‘really nice’ to have some quiet time, do some mountain biking, get some work done, and perhaps go to a local pub. Sure, that sounds lovely. I laughingly asked my friend when she had planned her 10-day trip visiting me in Canada. It would be ‘really nice’ to go skiing, visit a spa, get some work done, and perhaps go to a nice restaurant. “Right?!” She exclaimed. “It wouldn’t even occur to me to suggest that”.

The question is whether everyone is optimally happy with this pattern of the lion feasting first, whereas the lioness waits for the leftovers (note that for lionesses this is even worse as they are the ones hunting down the meat). I think not, in the end. It can lead to lots of resentment if one partner always decides the day-to-day schedule and life in general. Such resentment then might lead to passive-aggressive communication (“sure, relax and watch tv, I’ll make dinner again”), which doesn’t help the relationship as partner 1 was never told what is bothering partner 2.

The key is therefore communication, early on. If you are a couple, patterns slip in easily. If you never mention that this pattern is wearing on you, the other person might never know your dissatisfaction. Although it feels artificial at first, planning a check-in moment with your spouse to discuss each other’s work and family load can be helpful. This doesn’t have to be a formal meeting but could be during a date night to keep it light and fun. I sometimes don’t see how much my husband has on his plate at work, but once I ask, it is more understandable that doing laundry is not on his mind. Similarly, I once indicated that planning lunches and meals each week was a mental burden on me. My husband had never realized that and offered to take turns with weekly meal planning. A frank conversation can create more understanding for each other’s energy levels, and makes all the tasks each partner does more visible.

If you share tasks, the trick is to accept that those tasks might not be carried out in the exact way that you do them. If you can’t accept that, you shouldn’t give this task to your partner. In my household, I fold clothes because it needs to be done in a particular way and I can’t expect my husband to hold the same standards. So there is the theme again. You can’t have it all. You can ask your spouse for help with a task, but only if they are allowed to do it their way.

As for my parents, things took an unexpected turn when they were both retired. My mom’s health isn’t as good anymore. My dad has stepped up. He now does the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleanup. My mom sits down more (although unfortunately not because she wants to). The balance in their task distribution has just followed a somewhat different timeline over a life course.