Something's Gotta Give

I’m on a flight back from Boston, where I attended a management conference. Four days of symposia, meetings with colleagues, and going out for drinks and dinner with old friends. Not to forget, 3.5 nights of sleep (the half night due to a red eye flight), free reign to decide when and what to eat (chocolate croissants for breakfast), time for writing, and a squeezed in run.

In most of the conversations I had, my book came up. I explained that my book was about people who juggle multiple roles, asking the question how we can stay happy in our juggling act. Most conversations partners were fascinated or polite. In either case, it led to many stories of how they themselves were juggling work and family.

First, I talked to two old friends from my time as a Postdoc in Philadelphia. At the time, they had been PhD students at Wharton. To be honest, I felt quite lost in the first few months in Philadelphia, because I fell in between the cracks of possible groups I could connect with. I wasn’t a faculty member, and as nice as many faculty members were to me, I wasn’t a part of their group. The PhD students had no problem viewing me as an equal and I joined their gang. It was such a crucial time to have this crew, because most of us were away from home and had no friends or family in town. So, we had each other. We worked hard, and then partied hard.

“If only we realized back then how lucky we were”, said Friend 1 when we commemorated our time in Philly. “Yes, and how much freedom we had”, offered Friend 2. Friend 1 is happily married with two kids under 6, trying to balance his career, his wife’s career, and the care of their two children. Friend 2 is also in a committed relationship and they recently had a child. His partner is possibly even more career-driven than he is. My two friends asked me how I got any work done. “I don’t know that I do”, I answered. I could be way more productive if I would have 10 more hours in the week. But I don’t. And that is fine. I’m pretty happy with the work hours I get in, the research projects I got going, while also spending time with my goofy boy and my whirlwind girl. “Plus”, I told my friends, “my husband and I have a date night every week”. It can be a date night in our backyard, after we put the littlest one to bed. Or it can be a date night where we go out, and a sitter watches all kids.

They gazed at me in silence for a while. “I am honestly perpetually tired”, said Friend 2. “I work as much as I did before, but now I do that around my daughter’s day schedule, and I work after she’s in bed. She goes to bed late and wakes up early, so I don’t get much sleep”. “When do you see your partner”, I asked? “I don’t really, he said. She needs some alone time as she’s exhausted from work and taking care of our girl too”. “I see”, I said quietly.

Friend 1 looked at me quizzically. “Isn’t that what all young couples go through? My wife keeps asking me when we will go on a date again. But I don’t feel comfortable with a sitter, and frankly I am too exhausted for a date. We both work when the kids are in bed”. “I get it”, I said quietly. Friend 1 patted his belly. “And time for the gym I don’t have at all either”. Friend 2 looked at his tight-fitting shirt and stated that clearly he didn’t work out either.

This conversation stuck with me for a few days. I wondered if I was missing something. Why did I have time for dates with my spouse, and why did I exercise three times a week? And on the days I didn’t exercise, I would still hit 10,000 steps because my littlest one wants to walk at 6am, 5pm and 6:30pm. I hadn’t lost my job yet, and my kids seemed to like me fine.

I guess my friends had chosen to go full force on work and caring for their kids, while putting a break on their self (exercise) role, and spending less time with their spouse. I work at least ten hours a week less than before I met my husband. My publications are also less frequent than five years ago. There it was. I was not missing anything, I just had been making a different trade-off. I had cut down in work. I am often too tired to work at night and do not sleep well if I work late evenings. I’m much more efficient in the morning, so I might as well postpone unfinished work until the morning and get it done in a third of the time. And let’s be honest, my work was never done, so what was another day? It would also make bedtime extremely stressful if I was constantly fretting that an extra minute with my son would cut in my work time.

Even though my friends and I make different trade-offs, neither of us has it all. Something’s gotta give. The three of us have fairly similar life domains - partner, children, work, friends, exercise. We each came to the conclusion that we can’t do all these things for 100% if we want to be there for our kids. Hence, we each make choices what we do less of. It can be less exercise, less time with friends, less quality time with the spouse, or fewer work hours.

Now before spending less time in a domain that you find important, a good strategy is to consciously choose the domains you want to invest in. Ask yourself if you can let go of any friendships, hobbies, or habits that are superficial or not rewarding. That saves you some time that you can spend on something or someone that is meaningful to you. Similarly, if you have a fair amount of control at work, try saying no to projects that you don’t really like, or that you are not very good at. If you do not have that leeway at work, can you cut down on slacking or procrastination? Another way to save time at work is to check email only twice a day. Think about what is possible in your job. For instance, can you start the day with a difficult task, then check your email around 11am, and then again around 4pm to answer anything that needs answering the same day? This strategy makes you feel great about yourself early in the morning because you checked off a task from your list, and it reduces time and energy that you waste by switching focus between checking email and other work tasks.

With these tips, I find that with my shorter workdays, I am not terribly less productive. I often work very hard for three hours in the morning, and at that point I am either brain fried, too energized, or I hit a roadblock. All three are perfectly fine reasons to go for a swim, a run, or a walk, so that I can clear my head, calm down, or think for solutions for my roadblock.

When I shared with my friends that I often go for a walk or a swim to stay productive, they looked at me blankly. Friend 1 responded: “You always think too much about how you work”. “I know”, I said. “But it works. That is why I am writing a book about it”.